Survivor's Guilt part 2

I wake to the sound of sirens. I see faces in masks, and people in white. I smell fire and death. But I'm only awake for a few moments before I slip into unconsciousness again. I think I'm dead.

~~~~~

I wake up feeling dizzy. I yawn and stretch my arms. But in fact, I can't do either. I can't move a single part of my body. I try opening my mouth and speaking, but only gibberish comes out. I start to panic. What happened to me? Where am I? Why can't I move? Confused, I finally manage to look at my surroundings. First, I see my arms in casts and heavy cloth. On my right is a machine... a machine!? I jerk my head to the front of the room. I see a small tv, some trays, and hospital beds. I look at my own bed.

My pulse races and I can hear it on the machine next to me. My breathing becomes harsh and rapid. A nurse rushes in and observes the situation. She grabs some kind of needle. No, its a syringe. Before I have time to even react, she plunges it into the IV I'm hooked up to. A few moments later I start to relax. I feel lighter, almost like I'm floating. I close my eyes and start to relax, drifting back into unconsciousness, seeing images of rainbowed color objects and flying, fluffy creatures. I think I smiled.

~~~~~~

When I wake up for the third time, I have some of my sanity back. I realize that I'm in a hospital but I can't remember why. I decide to survey the situation. I looked at what little I could see of my arms. I gasped.

There were burns. Horrible, disgusting, revolting, burns. They must be all over my body, leaving ugly marks. I'm just an ugly thing now. I try to remember what had happened to me, but my memory fails me. Instead I turn to the tv. There was nothing good on anyway, so I let my mind wander.

Eventually I found myself staring out the window, watching the clouds drift by. A bird chirped while it sat in its nest on the windowsill. I feel the sunshine streaming in, warming me. I see a plane flying across the sky.

All of a sudden I feel as if bricks were dropped on me. My memory returned. I remembered what happened, why I was in the hospital. I was in a plane... falling... and we crashed. We? Who is we?. A harsh gasp catches in my throat. My family. I was with my family. Everyone must be dead. That crash was so severe it should have killed my family. They should be dead. I should be dead.

But I'm not dead, I'm in a hospital bed. The smell of disease and medicine enters my nostrils, almost making me gag. I must be dead. This isnt possible. The crash...

My heart rate quickens. I can tell because the machine next to me starts to beep faster and faster. A nurse runs over to my bed. She hushes me and tells me not to get excited.

"Here, take this sweetie," the nurse says as she forces me to drink some water that most likely has drugs in it, "It'll make you feel better. Don't worry, you'll be asleep in no time."

This angers me. "ASLEEP!?" I yell frantically, "Why should I sleep! What happened? I was in a plane crash...I died. I must have died!" I'm not sure if any of that made sense, it sounded right to me. But for all I know it could have come out like gibberish. I just hope she understands me.

"Hush little one," she says softly, "You aren't dead, I can tell you that. You were in a plane crash, that's true. The paramedics found you underneath a large sheet of metal from the plane. It saved your life. You're badly burnt with multiple broken bones, but you're alive and you'll be ok. You're lucky."

"Lucky!?" I screeched. I take a moment to process what the nurse told me. "But that still doesn't explain why I'm not dead. The plane fell from so high."

"Honey, I really don't know much. But I did overhear the radio messages from the pilot while the police were listening to it. The pilot said he was trying to make the plane land before any trouble could happen. He was unable to land it. I'm sure he did the best he could to save everyone. And you're not dead, because I'm talking to you right now, sweetie."

"W-well..." I stammer, not knowing what to say. Suddenly I have a thought "My family must be alive too! I want to see them! I want to see them now!" I shouted frantically. I felt reborn, like the world could make sense again. I didn't feel so alone. I start to cry happy tears of joy, and attempt to jump out of the bed. But then I remember my arms are tied to the bed.

The nurse stares at me with a pitying face. "Hey, what are you waiting for? Get me out of this stuff! I miss my family!" I scream at her.

But the nurse doesn't budge. I thought I saw her eyes watering. "HEY! Didn't you hear me? I want to see my mom and dad!" I try to yell, but my voice cracks, and I'm already tearing up by the end of my sentence.

The nurse starts to cry. I know why she's crying, and I'm crying too, but I refuse to believe it. I continue to shout at her through my neverending stream of tears.

"You need your rest, and you need to stay here until your broken bones heal. You have burns all over you. You have to stay in this bed to get better, sunshine," She tries to say through sobs. She seems like she's talking to herself more than to me.

I look at my raw flesh peeking through the bandages. "Well I don't care! I promise I'll come back here after I visit my family. I need to see them..." I cry despairingly.

The nurse looks at me with sad, sympathetic eyes, and finally says, "Your family is dead. Everyone in that plane died, except for you."

But I already knew that. After the nurse's last words, the sleeping medicine kicks in. I drift into a deep, drug induced slumber. Before I fall unconscious, I have one last thought.

Why did I survive?